When Mothering Hurts: Reclaiming Myself After Postpartum Darkness
A personal reflection on healing, writing, and the transformative power of self-care in motherhood.
They don’t tell you how quiet it gets after the congratulations fade. How even in a house fill of tiny voices, the silence of your own unraveling can be deafening.
Motherhood is often portrayed as one of life's most beautiful, selfless experiences. It is a role that can bring immense joy and a sense of overwhelming responsibility that is sometimes difficult to articulate. As a mother of three with a 5-month-old, I know firsthand how easy it is to get lost in the daily grind of diapers, dishes, and endless to-do lists. It’s easy to forget about the person behind the mom title, the person who needs love, care, and attention, too. Yet, taking care of myself is crucial. Not just for my well-being, but for my family’s health and happiness as well.
Finding balance in motherhood can be a daunting task, especially when there’s so much going on around you. But even in the chaos, it is possible to find a rhythm that works for you—a way to nurture your body, mind, and soul without feeling guilty or overwhelmed. It takes intention, flexibility, and a good dose of self-compassion, but it’s worth it.
The Reality of Motherhood: Navigating Postpartum Struggles
Motherhood, especially in the postpartum period, is often romanticized as a blissful time filled with joy and bonding. But for many of us, the reality can be much more complex. I remember feeling the weight of motherhood in a way I hadn’t fully understood after the birth of my second and third sons. The overwhelming exhaustion, the emotional rollercoaster, and the constant demands of caring for a newborn while trying to keep everything else together were far more challenging than I had anticipated.
After the birth of my second son, I faced a battle with my mental health that I wasn’t prepared for. The isolation that came with postpartum was suffocating. I had little to no support system. No one to help with the baby while I rested, no one to listen to my struggles. The lack of support affected my mental state in ways I didn’t realize at the time. I was left to navigate the overwhelming weight of motherhood by myself, which only intensified the feelings of loneliness and self-doubt.
Then came the birth of my third son, and the struggle continued. This time, though, I had a clearer understanding of what I was experiencing. I knew what postpartum depression looked like, and I knew I had to take care of my mental health to be the mom my kids deserved. But it wasn’t easy.
What has helped me through this ongoing journey is writing. Writing has been my sanctuary. A way to process my emotions and thoughts that often felt too heavy to carry. By putting pen to paper, I’ve been able to make sense of the overwhelming feelings of fear, doubt, and exhaustion. Writing has allowed me to give voice to my struggles and experiences in a way that feels therapeutic and empowering. It’s my way of navigating through the complexities of postpartum, acknowledging the struggles, and celebrating the resilience that comes with it.
The lack of support I experienced made it difficult to see my worth as a mother. It left me feeling inadequate, questioning my ability to care for my children and manage my life. But over time, I’ve learned that no one should go through this alone. The importance of balance and support during the postpartum period cannot be overstated. Having a support system, whether it’s a partner, family, or friends, can make all the difference. When you have people who can offer practical help and emotional support, it lifts some of the burden, allowing you to focus on healing and connecting with your baby.
Support is not just about help with chores or babysitting. It’s about having someone who can listen, who can validate your feelings, and who can offer a break when needed. It’s about knowing you don’t have to carry the weight of motherhood alone. A strong support system also allows you to create the balance you need to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically, so you can show up as the best version of yourself for your children.
As I reflect on my journey through postpartum with my first and second sons, I realize that self-care, though crucial, wasn’t just about taking time for myself. It was about acknowledging my struggles, seeking help when needed, and being kind to myself during a period of immense change. Writing has helped me find my way through the fog of postpartum and has been a form of self-care in itself. It’s a reminder that the journey may be difficult, but with the right support and a commitment to healing, we can navigate through it with grace.
Why Self-Care Matters
Self-care isn’t just about pampering yourself with a bubble bath or a day at the spa (though those things can be nice!). It’s a foundational element of maintaining physical, mental, and emotional health. In the rush of motherhood, self-care often takes a backseat. But the reality is that when we neglect self-care, we’re not just harming ourselves; we’re also neglecting our families.
Motherhood can feel like a marathon, and it’s easy to forget about your well-being while you focus on everyone else. But taking care of yourself is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. When you’re running on empty, you have less energy, patience, and presence to give to those around you. Conversely, when you prioritize your health and well-being, you’re able to show up more fully for your family.
It’s important to note that self-care isn’t just about physical health. It also involves emotional, mental, and spiritual health. Many mothers, particularly those in the postpartum period, experience emotional challenges such as anxiety, depression, and overwhelm. Self-care can help to address those feelings in a healthy way, but it’s essential to recognize that you don’t have to go through these challenges alone.
Self-care also has a ripple effect. When you take the time to nurture your body and mind, you set an example for your children. You teach them the importance of self-respect, self-love, and balance. By showing them how to care for themselves, you’re helping them develop habits that will serve them well throughout their lives. In this sense, self-care isn’t just for you; it’s for the entire family.
Incorporating self-care into your routine doesn’t require hours of free time. It can be small, intentional steps that help reset your body and mind. And those moments, though seemingly insignificant in the moment, add up over time and create a profound impact on your overall well-being.
Small Steps to Incorporate Self-Care
As a mom, finding time for self-care can feel like an impossible task, especially in the early stages of motherhood. But small, consistent efforts can make a huge difference. Here are some practical, achievable ways to incorporate self-care into your busy life:
1. Mindful Moments of Stillness:
Life with kids can be noisy and chaotic, but carving out moments of stillness, however brief, can do wonders for your mental clarity. This doesn’t mean you need to meditate for 30 minutes a day (though you certainly can if you want to!). Start by setting aside just 3-5 minutes of quiet in the morning or evening. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and center yourself before diving into the demands of the day. Even a short time of silence can help you feel grounded and ready to face the day ahead.
2. Embrace Movement in Small Doses:
Exercise is one of the most effective ways to reduce stress and improve your mood. But as a mother, finding time for long workouts can be a challenge. Instead, incorporate movement into your day in smaller chunks. Take a 10-minute walk around the block after breakfast, do a few stretches while your baby naps, or dance around the living room to your favorite song while doing house chores. These little bursts of activity can boost your energy and help you feel more alive.
3. Hydration and Nutrition:
It’s easy to let healthy eating slip when you’re juggling motherhood and life’s demands. But fueling your body with nourishing foods doesn’t have to be complicated. Simple things like drinking a glass of water first thing in the morning, choosing nutrient-dense snacks, or prepping easy meals ahead of time can make a world of difference. Pay attention to what your body craves and nourish it with whole, fresh foods when possible. Hydrating and nourishing yourself will give you the strength you need to keep up with the demands of motherhood.
4. Rest and Recovery:
Rest is vital for both physical and emotional well-being, but it’s often the first thing to be neglected in a busy mom’s schedule. Sleep deprivation is common, especially in the postpartum period, but it’s important to take whatever rest you can get. When possible, nap while your baby sleeps, or enlist the help of a partner, friend, or family member to give you a break. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and allow yourself the time to recharge. Even just 20 minutes of rest can help restore your energy and improve your mood. I cannot stress enough how important this one is. If you don’t take anything else from this article, please just take this: GET SOME DAMN REST. I’m so serious. You’ll thank me later.
5. Emotional and Mental Self-Care:
It’s just as important to care for your emotional and mental health as it is to care for your physical health. Journaling, practicing gratitude, and talking to a trusted friend or therapist can help you process your feelings. Set aside time each day to reflect, either through writing or in your own thoughts. Use affirmations to build your confidence and remind yourself of your worth, especially on days when you feel overwhelmed.
6. Set Boundaries:
Boundaries are essential for protecting your mental health and energy. Set clear boundaries around your time, energy, and space. This might mean saying no to extra commitments, asking for help, or requesting some time alone. It’s okay to say “I need a break” or “I need this time for myself.” Healthy boundaries allow you to preserve your energy and ensure that you’re able to give your best to your family without sacrificing your well-being.
7. Indulge in Simple Pleasures:
Self-care doesn’t always have to involve grand gestures. Sometimes, it’s about finding joy in the little things. Whether it’s reading a chapter of a book, sipping your favorite tea, taking a long shower, eat a sweet treat or your fave snack in peace or enjoying a quiet moment of reflection, these simple pleasures can help you feel nurtured and reconnected to yourself. Embrace the small joys that bring you peace and allow them to recharge your spirit.
Setting Boundaries and Asking for Help
The idea of “doing it all” is often romanticized in the world of motherhood, but the truth is, we can’t do it all on our own. Asking for help is a crucial part of self-care, even though it can feel hard for many mothers. We live in a society that often pressures us to be supermoms, always calm, always prepared, always available. But trying to live up to those impossible standards can lead to exhaustion and resentment. I had to have a conversation recently with my partner about how the term “supermom” makes me feel. I get it, I do it all, and he’s probably saying it to be grateful, but it also makes me feel like my only identity is just that: mom. I had to remind myself I’m more than just mom.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to ask for help. Whether it’s asking my partner to take over for a few hours or seeking support from friends or family, delegating tasks helps me maintain my well-being. Sometimes, I also carve out time to be alone and focus on the things that nurture me. These moments allow me to recharge my spirit, so I can give my best to my kids and my partner.
Setting boundaries also involves being clear about your needs. For example, I’ve had to communicate to my partner that I need regular breaks; whether it’s an hour to myself on weekends or a few minutes of quiet before bed. I make sure to explain why this time is important for me, and together, we work out how to make it happen.
Embracing Imperfection
One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in my motherhood journey is that things don’t always go as planned, and that’s perfectly okay. Motherhood doesn’t come with a manual, and every day presents new challenges. Trying to maintain a perfectly curated life is impossible. Some days, I don’t get to shower until 2 PM, and the laundry piles up. But that’s part of the process. It’s a reminder to embrace imperfection.
Self-care isn’t about doing everything perfectly. It’s about showing yourself grace. When you miss a workout, skip a meal, or fall short in another area, remember: you are doing your best. And that’s enough. Embracing imperfection means not holding yourself to impossible standards, but rather recognizing the small victories and acknowledging the effort you put into being the best mother, partner, and person you can be.
Motherhood doesn’t have to be a sacrifice of self. By finding small, intentional ways to prioritize self-care, I’ve learned that I can be both a loving mom and a woman who takes care of herself. It’s a balance that requires effort, but it’s also a form of self-love that benefits everyone.
I invite you to reflect on your current self-care practices. Are you taking time to rest? Are you nurturing your body and mind? What boundaries can you set today to prioritize yourself?
Remember, motherhood may be a journey full of chaos and unpredictability, but it’s also an opportunity to nurture yourself and thrive in the process. You deserve it.
Postpartum Hotline and Resources
Motherhood is beautiful, but it can also be challenging, especially during the postpartum period. If you are struggling emotionally or mentally, know that you are not alone. There are resources available to help you navigate this season of life.
If you’re experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, or overwhelm that are affecting your ability to function, please reach out for support. The Postpartum Support International (PSI) offers a confidential, anonymous hotline that connects you with trained professionals who can offer guidance, resources, and emotional support.
Postpartum Support International (PSI) Hotline:
Call: 1-800-944-4773
Text: 503-894-9453
Website: https://www.postpartum.net
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and reaching out for support is a brave and necessary step toward healing. Your mental health matters, and you deserve the support and care you need to thrive as a mother.
Bio
Angel Jae’ is a lifestyle + wellness writer, mama of three, and founder of Nurtured Notes, a soft life space for women rewriting what strength looks like. She believes in slow mornings, deep healing, and being unapologetic yourself. You can find her journaling with incense, fighting the urge to overthink, and learning to choose herself daily.
Words bloom best with coffee (or tea!). Help me water the garden. [Buy me a cup here.]